When you hear the word cancer you automatically think death! And when you hear that a loved one or friend has been diagnosed with cancer the majority of time you are in a state of shock which leaves you speechless and on many occasions finding it hard to find the words of comfort etc. But being diagnosed yourself is so earth shattering at times you wish the ground would just swallow you up.

At times I want to scream at the top of my lungs and scream and shout at people around me when they ask questions like “How are you feeling” because deep down I think to myself “How do you think I pissing feel….I have cancer….two young boys…and my whole life ahead of me and now it may all be cut short”. I know they are only showing concern but sometimes I just wish people would forget about my illness and see me for me. A mouthy cow who knows how to handle herself when the tough gets going. But like you, I am only human. There is only so much I can take on.

This “thing” has turned my once carefree life into one of darkness at times and most definitely the most loneliest points of my life. But please do not get me confused….I have lots of friends and family who are very supportive, but when I am within my own thoughts or experiencing a feeling that only someone with cancer gets, that’s when its seems I am on my own. I know I am not but it’s very hard to explain to friends and loved one how you are feeling when all you want to do is come across as OK so that no ones worries. And that’s where I find my on-line friends come in very useful. I can talk to them about how I am feeling and also talk to others who also going through the same experience or have battled their demon and come out a beautiful butterfly at the end of it all. To be able to share stories with others is a huge help. With close family and friends I’m scared to tell them my fears etc when it comes to my illness because I know they too are also feeling these very same fears and I don’t want to cause any more emotional upset then has already happened. So I put on my make-up, the highest heels and hold my head up high like I always have – but deep down I am still feeling angry and hurt that this is even happening to me and my family. But I guess I have to ride this dragon and not let it ride me.

My decision to deal with my cancer naturally was not an easy decision, I came up against family and friends who were pushing me to have chemotherapy without actually researching what it was or what it did. And to be frank it really did grate on my nerves because I was thinking “Is this you that has to go through with this?” But it wasn’t going to help thinking like that I needed to do what was right for me. But there was no way I was going to let Doctor Death pump me full of killer chemo. I had to take it upon myself to try and rid this from my body once and for all. But pissing hell its hard work.  The constant veggie juicing and watching what I eat is beginning to take it toll on me when all I really want to do is open a bottle of Grey Goose and eat chocolate cake until I’m sick.

I guess I will have up and down days but today is a DOWN DAY and I really wish this cancer would just fuck right off! Yes I know its an amazing thing that could happen to me because it opened up my eyes to the ridiculously unhealthy lifestyle I was leading but god damn it why did my life lesson have to be so bloody hard?

But I guess I have been given this test to test my strength, we will have to see how it all pans out. But in the meanwhile I am about to have a full torrettes blow out  so if you are in my vacinity…..RUN OR AT LEAST COVER YOUR EARS



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