Emotional turmoil

Posted: January 4, 2015 in My Journey
Tags: , , , , , ,

Over the weeks I beat myself up thinking what I could’ve done to cause this Cancer to grow. Was it something I did? Was it something I could’ve stopped? The answer was NO.

The lifestyle I had lead previously wasn’t very healthy – I was born in an era when mothers drank and smoked during pregnancy, I was bombarded with toxins throughout my childhood in the form of vaccinations, I was a rebellious teenager who smoked,drank and took drugs which continued well into my late 20’s.  There was hundreds of factors but I could not pin point one cause…the list just goes on and on. Now I understand why my mum used to push me and my younger brothers to eat our veggies.

My teenage years were years of late nights, tons of processed foods, alcohol binges and indulging in substances that would’ve put my mother in a early grave if she knew. My body defiantly wasn’t my temple – it was a Den of Toxins.

Over the years I had suffered some form of emotional distress but none could’ve hit me more then the passing of my Grandmother, Sylvia Jobling (nee Tolliday) the day after my 33rd Birthday. She was a rock to me and my shoulder to cry on from a very young age. Whenever I needed sound advice she was there with a lovely cuppa to hand too. The day she passed I felt like I lost a huge part of me and I have never been the same since. God what I would give for her to be here now. And I know she would’ve fully supported me in my journey to healing my body from Cancer.

This loss in my life caused great emotional distress. I lost sleep, I wouldn’t eat right, I was angry because she was taken from me – not knowing I was causing myself damage internally. As my cells were mutating due to my low immune system the depression i put myself through was already doing it worst.

I had previously suffered another awful loss back in March 2012, when my best friend Gemma McCluskie was brutally murdered by her brother in an horrific attack that still haunts me to this very day. Her death had effected me very badly – I had known her since she was six, we grew up on the same street in Bethnal Green, London. She adored my children, especially my youngest Blaze. She would’ve been a great mother – she was a great friend.

With these close deaths I felt emotionally drained. I started drinking a lot more and eating less which I knew was no good for me as I was already showing signs of being underweight. With all this and the lack of sleep (sometimes I would only get 4 hours sleep a night) my body and my immune system was under pressure. And did I pay for it.

Now when I look back on factors its no wonder I became ill. I never looked after my body when it was trying to look after me. I know my Breast Cancer is a sign that my body is ill and now it is my job to reverse this illness with great diet and supplements. And no STRESS!

  1. heavenafrika says:

    Thanks for sharing. Sending you all the positive vibrations to a wholesome fruitful recovery! ❤


  2. Don’t beat yourself up for your past decisions and choices. All the things you mentioned may have contributed to your cancer or they may have had no causal effect at all. Medical science finds more genetic causes linked to breast cancer everyday. Even if you have been tested and told it is not a genetic cancer, it may be that they aren’t testing the right genes or looking for the right mutations.When the BRCA tests first came out, I was told I was BRCA negative. 16 years later with breast cancer 4, I was retested as more mutations could be detected and it was found I was missing the last 4 sections of my BRCA1 gene. Even if your cancer truly isn’t genetic, in the breast cancer groups you will find people with no risk factors for disease and in the general population many who made the same lifestyle choices as you but remain cancer free. We don’t know most of the time what causes breast cancer. So please stop blaming yourself and start looking after yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. heavenafrika says:

    I find a high stress lifestyle, and bad environment contributes to many illnessess

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Viki Croni says:

    kel I admire your decision to heal yourself I know that was not taken lightly as I know you love your 2 boys endlessly.. Grief does bring terrible consequences i know through losing my sister I will never be complete again ! Thank u for sharing your feelings and as you know I for one are with you every step of the way much love & respect xx


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s