Discussing my Diagnosis

Posted: September 12, 2014 in My Journey

I woke up feeling like total shit today. All i could think of was all the research I’ve been over the past few days in regard to what kind of procedure they will be doing. So going to a serious meeting about my health like the walking dead was not a good look..I’m not dying just yet. Copious amounts of caffeine was needed preferably via intravenous drip in both arms. Hot bath and then fling on the face ready to face this bitch head on. Oh yes…..its war baby!

Driving to the appointment we got stuck in traffic which to be honest I was relieve for as I really was starting to chicken out of the fight. I could feel my eye welling up and all i could think of was “my eyelashes are un-gluing”. Yes weird a vain moment in a time of crisis.  But I’m pretty sure ill have plenty of those moments.

As we finally arrived my stomach flipped, I could see the look on my mums face, she really didn’t want to be doing this with her only daughter, her first born. What parent would?

As we sat in the waiting room my brain switched off and all i could think of was the appalling construction inside the building (you can take the girl off the construction site and all that). Now its not the plushiest of clinic’s, I’ve been in warehouse raves that look better. Very outdated and could probably do with being demolished and rebuilt. All I kept thinking was HURRY UP AND CALL MY NAME. Mainly because that twat Jeremy Kyle was on the TV with his attention seeking guests and their pathetic problems.

My name gets called, now I’m nervous. I just want to run out of that place and wake up from this nightmare I’m stuck in. As I sit down in the office I can feel the tension coming from my mums direction, she’s just as scared as me at this point.

And now to top it off I’m being asked to go behind the curtain for a quick groping session with the consultant. Why cant I get the fit young doctors,its always the old ones with cold hands. Just my luck really.

Now I’m nervous….its talking time. This is what i was dreading. Knowing how they are going to cut me, what treatment is available for me the list goes on. Shit has really hit the fan. Luckily I am able to have immediate reconstruction surgery which means I will finally the get the tits I’ve always wanted. Big big bonus..not so big bonus it seems they insist I have chemotherapy before they remove the lump to try and shrink it, which in my opinion isn’t really an option at the moment and I am going to try and look for a second opinion on other treatments available. I refuse to do the whole cancer patient look. And if it is my last resort then i will bring the glam into chemo. Lace front wig, cosmetic tattooed eyebrows and my big false eyelashes…..no one will ever know apart from Andrew when he sat in bed with a cast member of cone heads. Love better be blind or I’m fucked!

Good job in 2014 a lot of people now wear fake hair and draw on eyebrows I won’t stand out.

But all jokes aside I’m am petrified. I am trying so hard to put on a brave face and believe me its a hard job to do. I need to remain normal at work and at home especially for my children. As my youngest is only four he doesn’t understand what is going on he just knows mummy has a sore boobie that the doctor is going to fix it. So I’m still being used as a human climbing frame with the occasional kick to the tumour which can be pretty painful, but mummy duties don’t stop because you have a stowaway living inside you. Many times I’ve gone and hid in the toilet and cried my eyes out so the kids don’t see. Because at the moment all i can think about is leaving them although I am very positive i will survive this vile disease there is always that question at the back of my head saying “what if I don’t”. I’m not ready to leave my babies just yet.

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Comments
  1. I am curious to know more about your diagnosis. How aggressive and advanced is your cancer? That has everything in the world to do with best options and approaches.And are you being tested for brca? A book that might help your instincts is Radical Remission another is the Anti-Cancer Book. Both support ding the minimum to hurt your body. But sometimes, living requires some tough choices.
    If I can help….
    Marcy Westerling
    http://livinglydying.com/

    Like

    • Hi Marcy

      TBH after my Plastic Surgery appointment I choose not to go back to my doctor. They was quite Blazey about the whole situation. I had already had the core biopsy and the biopsy from under my arm pit to test the lymph nodes but that is all I was prepared to do. I feel the biopsy aggravated my tumor slightly (well wouldn’t you be P.O if someone came and soccer punched you in the face out the blue?). It was after my PS appointment that I choose to go natural I have close acquaintances who have stopped caner cells growing via dietary change so I thought id give it a go. After losing too many friends and loved ones to chemo treatment I knew that wasn’t the way for me ….. Quality life over quantity any day. All the doctor could tell me from the little test they did was that I had Right breast cancer (not very informative) and it was very early stages and that my lymph node results were inconclusive ….. so right about now today I don’t know the stage of my cancer. But I must be doing something right as I have noticed a change in the size of my tumour, my energy levels are through the roof and my hair and skin look amazing. I have told my doctor that I will have scans every 5 months if necessary and Bloods every 3 months.

      I have raised my PH Levels by in-taking Bi carbs and being on a vigorous green juice diet. As well as totally changing my diet from fast food crap and bottles of coke to 100% RAW vegan.

      I take Apricot Kernals (both seeds and pill form as sometimes they can be very bitter) as well as daily Selenuim, Graviola, Omega 3 oils such as Flaxseed oil, I bath in Bi Carbs twice a week and also Spirulina baths which are great for detoxing through the skin.

      Im trying to hit this from all angles and for when I’ve plucked up the courage I also have Black Salve to hand

      Id love to know your story 🙂

      Like

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